2009 and I’m feeling fine?
January 5, 2009
I seem to have forgotten my diary, so I guess I’ll have to get my feelings out there. This is me exploring.
I swear I’m never satisfied. Ever. I’m in the mood for change- I don’t want to carry on as I am because I’m not sure it can ever lead to anything. I’m not sure I like the person I am currently; well up to a point…
I’m loving all the friends I have this year- I seem to have settled in and found my clique who accept all of my obvious flaws and I adore them all back, but I can’t help wondering- why the hell should they accept my flaws? Will they carry on supporting me if I want to change- is our friendship good enough? I still need to grow the hell up. I want to be respected.
I noticed that I probably accomplished about three of the things I wanted to do in my last post, so it seems rather pointless to list resolutions but I need something to strive for. I need something concrete and permenant that will remind me not to fuck up. Other than looking after myself health-wise I’m not sure I can put anything into words yet. When it happens this will be edited.
My current issue is that it’s really getting me down is my inability to like someone. I mean really like them- to fall in love. Maybe I’ve just been ruined by the perfect idea of love that we’re constantly subjected to . Mr Darcy anyone? I find it hard to believe that anyone could ever feel about me like that and I feel awful that I can’t reciprocate it. Take the situation I’m in now for example. I wanted it to happen, it happened and now I’m not sure what the hell I want. I think I should just give it a go for a while and then if I feel the same pull out, but at the same time I can sense it’s not quite right. If it were right, I would feel satisfied; I wouldn’t still be looking. I think ultimately I need to be honest and if it doesn’t suit him, I won’t blame him for running away.
Life’s been passing by ever so quickly recently, ever since I had my 19th birthday. A month is beginning to seem like a week (as long as I have sufficient money in which case a few days living off toast feels like an eternity) and it’s hard trying to combine being a good student with being a social butterfly ;]
Not that “butterfly” is really the correct word because I don’t find socialising that easy. I’m not one of those people who can collect meaningless acquaintances, but rather I prefer to develop strong friendships with a few people- then I know that whatever I’m doing will be fun if I’m with them. The fact that cliques still exist at university is vaguely ridiculous…
So anyway, what’s been a happening with me and mes amis…
1. Went to see Noel Fielding’s art exhibition in Soho which was soooo much fun. It was a curious mix of ostentatious pop-art and hastily scribbled poetry on the cafe walls. I fully recommend “Maison Bertaux” for the amazing cakes. Me and Anni sat there for about 2hours taking pictures of deserts and admiring Noel’s handiwork before going exploring in China Town and around Shaftsbury avenue. Our next stop is “Candy Cakes” which sells uber amazing cupcakes in rainbow colours.
2. Saw Juno at the cinema in Camden (god bless Orange Wednesdays). Had a scrumptious Ben&Jerrys (berry berry and chocolate fudge) and totally loved the film. I was a little dubious at first because, let’s face it teenage pregnancy ain’t really all that funny,but the script was so fast and witty and the actors so incredibly cute that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it. As for the soundtrack- Cat Power and Kimya Dawson ftw!
3.Camden Market shopping is always a good way to spend all of my money. I only actually bought some earrings from there this time. Dangly ones with pink hearts on the end but I’ve already lost one (see number 4) 
Got a checked shirt and swallow necklace from the kid’s section at H&M because I’m that cool. I really want to find a pair of high waisted blue jeans a la Hayley Williams…Also dyed Freya’s hair pink, which made me miss my funky haired days. Black is boring.
4.Resolved not to drink again for quite some time after getting INSANELY wrecked at “Disorder and Decadence” at SIN nightclub. It all stemmed from the fact that i mixed wine, cider, whiskey and jagermeister on an empty stomach. Most of the evening is a complete blank, understandably. Any other time I would have been happy to make out with a guy in a band but you know theres something wrong when you both collapse in a corner and vomit. After waking up in my room to a note from Freya consisting of “Thank God you’re alive” I have decided to abstain from any alcohol for at least 3 weeks.
5. Edward came to visit and we went to see Apocalyptica at Forum, Kentish Town for his birthday. I love hanging with my northern mates ;] We ate pizza and ice cream and met up with Freya, Cathy, Bethan and Michael for the show. The support band were dire. I honestly don’t wish “Oceansize” upon anyone- even their (3) fans were bored rigid by them. Apocalyptica on the other hand truly blew me away! Their passion and energy is breathtaking. Not only do they play beautiful music but they aren’t too bad to look at either. The crowd were insane for them and they did 2 encores yet again. Singing along to “Bittersweet” and “Seeman” at the end were highlights. I relished the chance to push people in the pit too ;]
6. Slimelight- I proved to James and Freya that I wouldn’t drink which I felt especially proud of when I woke up the next morning with a clear head. We decided it would be funny to go to the notorious home of the “gothic poser” dressed as scene kids and it was amazing how much bitching there was, despite the fact that I usually go head to toe in black with platforms! What tossers! This week I wore a white tutu and zebra print top which went down better with the men I feel ;] It was a good evening though, dancing with glowsticks, camera whoring, provoking the goffiks and being stalked by Scandinavians…
All I can say is bring on Friday and Sedition in Brixton. All my work will be done by then and I can relax. Also my best friend’s a-visiting xD
I really should go and sleep now. I have to give a German presentation at nine- I think the correct term would be “bricking it maaaate!” I figured I need to dress well so that I feel more confident… leopard print trousers, black vest top and a victorian blouse anyone?
Before I do go- current musical obsession:
Morrissey- This man is incredible. Every song he writes relates to me which is odd seeing as he is 30 years older. Lyrically beyond compare and currently at the top of my “to see live” list. The comment from Ed that I’ll have to be quick “incase he has a heart attack” was not appreciated! I have literally been listening to him non-stop everyday and I’m not bored yet.
My favourite song at the moment: The world is full of crashing bores
You must be wondering how
The boy next door turned out
Have a care, But don’t stare
Because he’s still there
Lamenting policewomen policemen silly women taxmen
Uniformed whores, They who wish to hurt you, Work within the law
This world is full, So full of crashing bores
And I must be one, ‘Cos no one ever turns to me to say
Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms, And love me
You must be wondering how
The boy next door turned out
Have a care, And say a prayer
Because he’s still there
Lamenting policewomen policemen silly women taxmen
Uniformed whores, Educated criminals, Work within the law
This world is full, Oh oh, So full of crashing bores
And I must be one, cos no one ever turns to me to say
Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms
And love me, And love me
What really lies, Beyond the constraints of my mind
Could it be the sea, With fate mooning back at me
No it’s just more lock jawed pop stars
Thicker than pig shit, Nothing to convey
They’re so scared to show intelligence
It might smear their lovely career
This world, I am afraid, Is designed for crashing bores
I am not one, I am not one
You don’t understand, You don’t understand, And yet you can
Take me in your arms and love me, Love me, And love me
Take me in your arms and love me, Love me, love me
Take me in your arms and love me, Take me in your arms and love me
